Hello dear friends!
I woke up this morning with a positive attitude. I’ve been really confused about my life and my career and I still am, but I felt motivated to sort shit out this week. I called my dad to get some advice. Let’s just say I didn’t catch him in a great mood and our conversation just left me in tears feeling like a complete failure. I know he is trying to help me in his own tough-love-kind-of-way and I know I’m no picknick as a daughter but he also have no idea how hard I’m trying and what a progress I’ve made. I’d like to get some cred for that instead of having someone point out all the misstakes I’ve made. I´ts not like Im not aware of them but if I was gonna spend every second regretting the misstakes I’ve made, I wouldn’t do anything else.
I’m gonna be honest with you, I’m spoiled. I’ve been spoiled my whole life. Financially spoiled that is. My parents have been separated since I was 3 and since then I’ve always just lived with my mom and I mostly just met my dad at special occasions because he has always worked a lot. However he has always supported me financially. Cliché much?
My dad would show up twice a year on my birthday and Christmas and bring me the coolest gifts or take me to Toys R’us and let me pick whatever I wanted. Preferably something really huge like a bouncy house just to mess with my mom. It takes no Einstein to tell this messes with a Childs brain. I have met my dad more often later in my life but our relationship have never been the same as me and my moms.
I know I’m spoiled. I’ve never been ungrateful though. I was never the kid who would cry and scream on the floor because I didn’t get what I wanted (maybe because my dad always bought me what I wanted… just kidding).
But I have always had that security in the back of my mind that my dad will always save me if I’m broke. When I was in school I never felt guilty about my dad helping me with money. I was so hard working and committed and I felt like I would be able to pay back one day because my education and ambition would make me rich and successful. This obviously just added to the pressure and I went pretty much straight into the wall at one point. I had to quit school in Paris (you’ve heard the story) and move back home with no education and no job. I lost my ambition for a while and since then I’ve had to really struggle for the first time in my life. It sounds pathetic to say struggle because obviously there are people who have it way worse and my problems are tiny in comparison. I’ve still had my dad to help me whenever I needed but this time it’s not without guilt. I am so confused and I don’t really know what to do with my life career wise. I have a lot of ideas but they all require a budget which I don’t have. So I’ve been struggling with where to begin and how to reach my goal.
I know that I will be successful, I’ve always known it. My problem is I’m not sure how to get there and I am so stressed about getting there asap. I know I’m still very young but the thought of spending 3 years of my life in school is just freaking me out. I want things to happen right now. I’m ready to work harder than anyone but does it have to take suuuuuuuuuuuch a long time before reaching success? If someone told me: In 6 months you’re gonna be successful if you work hard on this. I could do just about anything, but not knowing how or when or what is such an agony. I am so scared of wasting my time. I want to spend it on the stuff that counts.
The frustrating part is I know I would be the best boss in the universe. If someone gave me a company to run right now or unlimited money to start my own I would be so freaking good at it. I know that’s not how it works and that you have to start from the bottom and work your way to the top. I just know I am so much better at the job up there on the top than all the stuff down here at the bottom. I’m down here looking for an elevator to get straight to the top without having to climb the ladder. The ladder is so crowded and people are elbowing each other to get to the top, it scares me to even get in there. I was on that ladder you know. I hadn’t come super far but I was on my way. Somehow I lost my grip and fell down all the way to the bottom and after that It was like I forgot how to climb. I know there is no elevator and no one is ever gonna build one. So if I wanna get to the top I will have to take the ladder.
I realise when writing this what an insane and naive person I sound like but this is an honest blog and this is where I’m at right now. I’m gonna sharpen my elbows and get back on that ladder. Wish me luck.