Every time around this time of year, for the past years I find myself in a really low state of mind. Call it depression if you will. I feel like I’m living with a constant weight on my shoulders and a constant burden in my chest. Like I’m walking through every day in the harshest headwind. Poetic metaphors aside, it literally feels as though my body is shutting down. Like it forgets how to function properly both mentally and physically.
What’s even worse than this heavy feeling though is the guilt I put on myself for feeling like this. I compare myself to everyone else, thinking “they seem to get through the days with ease, why can’t I?” “Why am I so weak? So sensitive?”
I put the blame on myself thinking there must be something I’m doing wrong. Something they all figured out that I simply didn’t yet. I try to desperately cure myself. Maybe I need to do some mindfulness work to soothe my mind. So I do yoga every day and practice meditating. But I still feel like shit.
Maybe I’m deficient in some vitamins? So I stuff my morning smoothie with nasty green veggies, ew. And I still feel like shit.
Maybe I’m not working out enough to get those endorphins everyone is talking about. So I try to go for runs but end up feeling even worse about myself because I wasn’t able to run nearly as far as I wanted without stopping. How do you even run when you have absolutely no energy in your body? Oh, and guess what? I still feel like shit.
I’m someone who always wants to fix things and the frustration I feel when I’m not able to fix something is almost unbearable.
I apologize for all the negativity above. I’m actually someone who prefers to look at the sunny side of things and I always strive to have a positive mind and attitude. But I’ve come to realize that sometimes when you are feeling really low or angry or whatever negative emotions you may carry It’s better to just tell it for what it is. Let all that ugly shit out and release it. The important thing is to let it go after you’ve released it, not keep nagging about it over and over again because that’s just toxic. Feel, release, let go and move on.
So now I’ve felt the feelings, I’ve released them and it’s time to let them go and try to find a learning or even a solution so I can move on with a light heart.
One thing I do know and that has become even more clear to me as I’m writing this post is that a lot (if not all) of my issues are psychological. And while exercise, meditation, and diet will, of course, have an impact on your wellbeing, your thoughts are just as important. When I’m feeling bad, I tend to shut people out and wanting to be by myself. Alone time is necessary for a healthy mind but too much of it is so harmful. What I really need is to surround myself with people I love and soak up all those good vibes it brings me. It’s all about balance, just like everything else in life. It sounds easy when you say or type it. Like all our issues would be solved if we found balance. Maybe they would. But balance is so hard to achieve and it’s something you need to work on every day. It’s always been a struggle for me and I’m a person who is depending on balance more than most people. I am a Libra after all (keep your astrology hating prejudices out of here guys…)
Somedays I feel like the only thing I can do is to wait for spring to arrive. That is absolute torture though as I am the most impatient being on this planet. Instead, I need to really try to enjoy the moment I’m in now. Even if it’s cold or I’m feeling weak or whatever it may be, I need to find things that I do enjoy at this moment, instead of waiting for the world around me to change. Of course, I should look forward to spring and summer but I should not lose myself completely in the longing for something I don’t yet have. Because although my mental well-being is affected by my surroundings they’re not the cause of it. The problems are inside my mind and they’re not gonna be fixed just because summer arrives. I need spring in my body, not in my garden. I need my mind and thoughts to be easy breezy beautiful (CoverGirl). As the title of this post implies, I need to start looking at the world with FRESH EYES.