I have been quite careful with sharing my break-up story and I know many people have wondered what’s really going on with me and my ex. I haven’t talked very much about it to my friends and family, only to some really close girlfriends. I wrote a short post about self-love, just after the break-up but I was very vague on the blog with what had actually happened. After that, I even closed the blog out of complete lack of creativity. I realize now that I needed to vent on the blog more than ever at this time but I was dealing with my pain the opposite way. Keep reading and you’ll understand why.
When my ex broke up with me, I went through the worst emotional rollercoaster. Not the fun kind where you can just throw your hands up in the air and laugh at the tickle in your stomach. But the scary kind that makes you question your sanity, wondering why you ever decided to get on it in the first place and then running off to vomit in the nearest trash bin. At first, it was just pure pain. I’ve never been so sad in my life. I honestly believed he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with. I know that sounds so naive to say, being only 23, but during our whole relationship, I never doubted he was the one. Everyone who’s ever experienced a break-up knows the pain. The feeling of no control. The rug being swept away under your feet. I always felt that what I went through was worse than the regular breakup. He still loved me when he chose to end our relationship. And still to this day I know he loves me. He broke it off because he had to. Because we were stuck in a downward spiral of toxicity. I knew it myself but I was too scared to do anything about it. I would never have broken up with him no matter how bad it got because I loved him too much. I often threatened I would leave him during some of our nasty arguments, but I knew deep down I could never actually do it #wifematerial.
After the tsunami of emotions had washed over me, I could see things with clear eyes. I realized he did us a favor by breaking us up. He got us out of that toxic loop that I was fully aware of, yet completely unable to do anything about myself. It was like a slap in the face that forced me to wake up whether I wanted to or not. The feeling that followed I remember so clearly because it was one of the most memorable feelings I’ve ever experienced. I felt total relief. It was like I had cried out every last drop of tears I had in my body and I had finally come to the realization that there was nothing I could do to change the situation. There was nothing I could say that was gonna change his mind, and honestly, I didn’t want to. I felt so small, just a tiny little spot in the universe. I only had myself to take care of and nobody else to rely on. The feeling of being so out of control, not able to change the outer factors and just accepting it was the most relieving feeling I’ve ever experienced. It’s kind of like that post-panic attack moment when your whole body relaxes and you realize you’re still alive. It was the feeling of total surrender.
My favorite astrologer, Debra Silverman says that our soul is constantly trying to get our attention, demanding us to be present. To not worry about the future or the past and being 100% in the now. It’s very hard to achieve and most of us only experience that feeling when we go through a trauma. Debra says the soul will get our attention though scaring us. It will get our attention one way or another and If you can’t actively connect to your soul by sitting your busy ass down and meditate, it will scare the shit out of you, literally forcing you to be present. That’s exactly the feeling I had. I was so present and it was such an amazing feeling. I’m not saying my breakup was amazing in any way but that feeling was so intense that I’ve been thinking about it ever since.
In the beginning, we both handled the breakup quite well. We both still had this strong belief that we would end up together one day and that made it easier to cope but harder to move on. We both still loved each other but knew this was for the best and that also made it so much harder to move on. I remember thinking it would have been easier if I could just hate him. I almost wished he would have cheated on me or done something horrible so I could be angry and get over him. But he never did and honestly, I never really wanted to get over him. I didn’t want to forget him and I didn’t want to cut him out of my life. What we had meant too much and It wasn’t something that could be thrown away and forgotten as if it was nothing. But I knew I had to move on. I was staying alive on the little glimpse of hope that it would be us one day but I knew that for now, I had to push those hopes away and just move on. I had to move on as though I would never see him again.
I thought I was doing a good job moving on and from the outside, it looked like I was. I was staying constantly busy but only because I was terrified of being alone with my feelings. I had a lot of fun during this time and I felt quite happy, to be honest. My ex and I didn’t see each other for about 2 months in the beginning and that made it easier for me to start my new life. One day we decided to meet up for a coffee and chat. I thought I had gained back the confidence I had lost during our last months as a couple. I felt confident but I realize now that I was actually just numb. I had become the master of suppressing my feelings. It was like I was made of plastic and the feelings just rolled off my shoulders. It was how I coped and it was working for a short period of time. Despite my strong attempt to numb my feelings, seeing him was a reminder of how happy and calm I’ve always felt in his presence. It was like taking a tiny little hit of that drug I had been withdrawing from for the past 2 months. It’s pretty naive to believe you can just have a little taste and then you’re satisfied. I obviously just wanted more and more. At the same time, I wasn’t ready to give up the new life I had built for myself. I still felt that I needed to be single. I needed to not rely on anyone but myself.
We started hanging out more often. In the beginning, I was being very clear that I just wanted us to be friends and we were both okay with that. We mostly saw each other outside and had some coffee. That made it easier to separate what we had from the rest of my life. I was scared of letting him in or more accurately letting myself get sucked in. At this point, I was still determined to stay single but he had reached a point where he wanted me back. Of course, he didn’t tell me so at this point. He pretended to be fine with us being just friends. The more we spent time with each other, the more our boundaries were blurred. Friends can hold hands. Friends can kiss on the mouth, right? Of course, they can, but when those two friends have been lovers before and still have feelings for each other, how can they kiss and hold hands and believe that it won’t affect them? We were just two idiots trying to trick life and we all know that bitch can’t be fooled.
The more time we spent together, the more I lost my independence. Issues I had been forced to deal with myself, I suddenly relied on him to help me with. I knew I needed to distance myself from him because the last thing I wanted was to become dependant on the person who had broken my heart. Somedays it was easier to keep him at distance but as soon as I felt weak and sad, he was the first person I’d call. I was treating him as a boyfriend but still determined to stay single. It was the definition of having the cake and eating it too. I thought he was on the same page as I was and it wasn’t until months later, I realized he had wanted me back. I felt so guilty even though I know I technically hadn’t done anything wrong. I was always clear that I wanted to stay single, even if I didn’t have a motivation for why.
So where are we now? We are still friends. We still love each other. We are still single. It’s a strange place to be in and it’s draining us both at times. We have had some episodes down the road when we’ve decided to cut each other out of our lives because that has seemed like the only way to move on. But we keep bouncing back to each other like two masochistic magnets. I still picture myself settling down with him. I still picture myself having kids with him. I still picture myself marrying him. But I know there’s stuff I need to deal with on my own before I can do any of that. I know love is supposed to be the spice that gives flavor to life. That you need to feel full by yourself and that love is that bonus that makes life extra magic but you should never be depending on it. I’m not there yet, and I feel like I need to get there before I can commit to a person I love. What scares me though is the fact that this is not all up to me. I have no control over his decisions. If he falls in love with someone else and forgets about me there is nothing I can do about it. It’s terrifying to think but I’ve realized it is the exact same situation as I was in after the breakup. I cant control the outer factors. I’m not the master of the universe. I can just surrender and trust that life will take me where I need to be.