(Pictures from Pinterest)
The past weeks I have really made an effort to slow down. By slowing down I mean internally. Slowing down that rushing soul that’s so eager to get forward and so scared of getting stuck. I have spent my whole teens and adult life trying to control my thoughts and master my own mind and it’s resulted in more stress and more anxiety than I ever thought possible. The frustration that comes from failing to master something that can’t be tamed is more devastating than the initial anxiety.
Us humans get so stuck in our egos, in our own rigid tracks that we built for ourselves. We feel like we are looking everywhere and doing everything to find the answers to our troubles but we never leave those rusty old tracks. We could leave them whenever we wish to but we are so mentally chained to them that it takes a massive wake-up call to ever realize we are stuck. That’s exactly what I got when I spoke to my new therapist a couple of weeks ago. As I wrote in my previous post, I was going on and on about my frustration over trying everything but nothing working. My therapist stopped me and said: “You need to stop thinking. Not control your brain or change your thoughts. You need to learn to not think at all”. It was like a slap in the face. With a chair. That statement threw me off my rigid track with full force, leaving me battered and confused in the ditch. From there, I could see my issues from a whole new perspective.
I’m a firm believer that everything that life throws at us has a meaning and is suppose to bring us a teaching. Still, I’ve had a hard time understanding how this living fucking hell that is anxiety could possibly be teaching me anything. It’s only ever brought me pain. But from this new perspective that my therapist blessed me with, I could, for the first time ever, see the teaching. The more I struggle and fight against my anxiety the worse it becomes and the worse it becomes the more I fight back. What if this is life’s way of teaching me to surrender. TO JUST. FUCKING. LET. GO. As I’m letting this realization sink in, I can feel my shoulders dropping and I’m able to take the biggest breath of air I’ve taken in a long, long time. As Alan Watts said: “Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone”.