When I first started this blog, about two years ago. I was living a very holistic life and I was writing mostly about beauty and wellness. During this time I was using almost only natural and organic products and constantly educating myself on the different benefits of natural skincare ingredients vs. the dangers of many conventional skincare ingredients. I was always reading books and articles and watching youtube videos, learning about health, nutrition, and wellness. It was not only a huge passion of mine but also my baby blanket, that helped me cope with stress and anxiety. I have understood long ago that our mind and body are not two completely separated things. They are connected and you can’t have a healthy mind with an unhealthy body and vice versa.
I slipped out of the holistic mindset for a while as my life got turned upside down about a year ago. At this point, I also shut down the blog temporarily and went under the radar from the life I had had. This was when Bogdan and I had just split up and I spent the following 8 months living a very destructive and toxic lifestyle. I was partying a lot, drinking a lot, being horribly irresponsible and basically doing anything and everything I could to drown my sorrows. I was constantly trying to distract myself and to not feel because I knew that if I stopped to think or slowed down my speed, even for a second or allowed my self to feel the pain I was carrying, it would have killed me.
This made me very distant to the person that I actually was and that I am. The girl I was before the breakup was slipping further and further away until I could barely see her anymore. During this time “wellness” was the last thing I cared about. I started using beauty products that I knew was toxic, I didn’t think twice about whether something was cruelty-free or not, I didn’t eat enough, I drank way too much alcohol, way too often and I even smoked every once in a while. I had always hated cigarette-smoke and I still thought it tasted horrible. It made me cough and I knew it was bad for me but I did it anyway. I fact that was the only reason I did it. I was chasing dangers. The rush I used to get from love was replaced by the rush I got from adrenaline. I didn’t care about anything anymore.
At the end of this period, inevitably life caught up with me. I remember having meltdowns and panic attacks that would last for days because I was no longer able to distract myself. My body got tired of living life the way I had and as soon as I slowed down my pace, even a little bit, my emotions came back and hit me in the face, full force. As though that wasn’t enough I also became aware of what a horrible person I had turned into during this time. I suddenly became aware of how much I had hurt the people who loved me. But maybe the most devastating realization was how much I had hurt myself. This still haunts me and I can look at pictures of myself as a child thinking “how could you do this to her?”
When I left Copenhagen I was far from “recovered”. My robot facade had peeled off a bit but instead of having an instant wakeup call and snap back to reality, I was living in a weird gray zone. This is where I became horribly unhappy. My baggage had caught up with me but I had no idea how to deal with it. I withdrew from my friends and I was feeling so lonely. Whevener anyone reached out to me I pushed them away. My mind was yet not clear and I was only feeling angry with my surroundings. I felt angry with the city for ruining me. I felt angry with my friends and the people around me for dragging me into that toxicity. Truth is, I was only running away. I have always loved Copenhagen and that city has taken care of me when I’ve been alone. That city carries some of my most beautiful memories. That city is where I met the love of my life for the first time. I’m done blaming other people or places for my own mistakes. In the end, I make my own decisions regardless of the people around me or the places I’m in.
During this whole time, the one person that I could still always rely on was Bogdan. Even though we had broken up, he was still there for me. He was the one I called when I wanted to escape this manic life that I had. He was still the only one I could be myself with 100%. He was the only one that could make me forget all the pain for a brief moment. He was the only one that could still make me laugh until my stomach hurt. He was the only one I could spend Sundays in bed with, watching Netflix all day without feeling any pressure of being someone I actually wasn’t. He was the one that dropped everything and came across the whole city to pick me up and bring me home when I was having a panic meltdown. And in the end, he was the one who still loved me no matter the amount of pain I had caused him. I was damaged cargo. I was an abandoned little bird with broken wings and legs that could barely carry me. He took me in and pieced me back together bit by bit. He was just as hurt as I was, if not more, and I was the one who had caused him pain. Yet he was the one taking care of me as though I was the victim. I am so grateful our love was able to survive this period. Despite all the damage that’s been made, we stand strong together once again and I thank the universe for him every day.
With this post, I wish to close the door to this painful time of my life. I will do all I can to not beat myself up over the past because I know it won’t change anything. What I can do, is to live in the “now” because that is really all we have. What I can do, is to make sure I’m being authentic and honest with myself. What I can do, is to make sure I’m always humble and kind. What I can do, is to make sure I never push my feelings away no matter how painful they are to feel. Because if there is one thing I’ve learned it’s that those feelings will catch up with you sooner or later.
As for this blog, I will still keep posting honest stories and share my struggles and learnings. I will also incorporate way more health and wellness posts. Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, the connection between mental, and physical wellness is unavoidable. On my way to recovery and finding my way back to my old happy self, all aspects of health have been crucial. With meditation, exercise, and the right nutrition I can finally say I’m feeling like myself again. I still struggle with my mind because that has been an ongoing battle since long ago but I have found my way back to me. The girl that I thought was lost, has come back, and the baggage she now carries may be heavy and uncomfortable but it has brought wisdom and made her more humble than ever.
Lots of love,