Bara vara mig själv

Jag har varit ganska dålig på att uppdatera min blogg på sistonde. Jag har kännt mig lite osäker på hur jag vill att min blogg ska vara. Ibland älskar jag att skriva blogginlägg och dela med mig av mina tankar och känslor, eller bara sätta ihop inspirerande inlägg och tipsa om mina favoritprodukter. Men ibland känner jag mig stressad över bloggen och totalt oinspirerad att skriva någonting. Jag har faktiskt en hel del nya ideer och planer för framtiden som jag redan börjat jobba på. Jag kommer dela med mig mer av det längre fram men det jag kan säga är att jag kommer absolut behålla denna bloggen och min instagram och fortsätta vara aktiv. Däremot så tänker jag släppa pressen av att vara “nischad”. Jag har kännt att “jag borde” fokusera på ett visst ämne och inte vara för spretig. Men så fort jag gör det så känner jag mig begränsad. Jag brinner för naturlig hudvård, hälsa och välmående men jag är SÅ MYCKET MER än det. Jag kommer från och med nu låta mitt personliga varumärke, vara just det: Personligt. Jag tänker fortsätta posta om alla mina intressen och tankar. Dela med mig om viktiga ämnen och djupa tankar när jag känner för det, lägga upp bilder på dagens outfit och skriva om hur min dag har varit när jag känner för det. Göra ett inspirationskollage med inredning när jag känner för det och skriva långa inlägg om smink och hudvård när jag känner för det. You get the point. Jag tänker sluta begränsa mig och bara vara mig själv och skriva om precis det jag känner för i stunden.

Jag kommer förmodligen varva med att skriva på Svenska och Engelska, lite beroende vilket inlägg det är. Jag har oftast lättare för att uttrycka mina känslor i text på engelska men om jag till exempel gör ett inlägg om mode och länkar till produkter på Svenska hemsidor så känns det helt ologiskt att skriva på engelska eftersom det riktar sig främst till mina nordiska läsare.

Varken min blogg eller Instagram kommer förändras av detta, den ända skillnaden är att jag själv känner mig så otroligt fri, motiverad och obegränsad. Jag vill ändå skriva detta inlägg och dela med mig av mina tankar till er så att ni inte undrar om jag har någon sorts identitetskris.

En massa kärlek till er och TACK för att ni läser min blogg!


Lisa Belinda


My weekend

Hello fam!

I’ve had such a chill weekend. Yesterday I went into the city with Bogdan to have some coffee and just walk around and today I’ve spent almost all day in bed, working a bit from my laptop and drinking coffee. It was just the kind of relaxing weekend I needed. The past week I have felt really tired and like I´ve been constantly stressing and trying to catch up with life. I just felt like my mind was all over the place and I was constantly rushing and never getting everything done. But I’m accepting that some weeks are just like that and the best I can do is to give myself rest this weekend so that I can face next week with a clear and positive mind.

Bogdan and I have decided to adopt a cat. Yesterday we sat down to look at shelters for homeless cats and we sent out a request and I´m so happy we are finally doing this. I have always wanted to get a pure breed ragdoll cat because they’re my favourite but now I see no point in buying a breed cat when you can save one that really needs a home. I´m almost crying as I´m looking through the pictures of all the cats and reading about them. If I didn’t have a boyfriend keeping me in check I would adopt them all and turn into legit crazy cat woman.

I hope you all have a lovely Sunday. I’m gonna keep chillin’ and eat leftovers and play Fortnite with my hubby the rest of the day.

Lots of love,

Lisa Belinda

Outfit details:

1. Coat, Zara // 2. Leopard slipdress, H&M // 3. Boots, Deichman // 4. Bag, Gina Tricot // 5. Hair-scrunchie with bow, Gina Tricot


Manifesting the life I want


Me and my mom out for a walk in the sun. Charging our batteries and talking about the new year.

The start of the new year has been very emotionally challenging for me. I’ve been feeling very uprooted and fragile. I’ve had memories that I’ve been suppressing, boiling up to the surface and I’ve had many days when I’ve been very sad and emotional. I’ve been feeling lost and like I don’t know where my life is going. I know what I want but I’m not sure how to get there. The start of the new year has really made me question myself. Am I working hard enough to reach my goals? Am I focusing on the right things in order to reach my goals? I made a promise to myself that this is the year when I make things happen. The year when I put the snowball to roll (can you even say that in English? Anyway, you know what I mean). I have exciting and big plans for myself and I am very ambitious. BUT procrastination and fear are my two biggest enemies. It’s easy to tell yourself “oh, this year m gonna work harder, this year I’m gonna reach my goals”. But those “resolutions” are too vague and that makes it really hard to achieve.  What I will tell myself instead is “This year I will stop procrastinating, I will adopt a “get shit done” attitude and just fucking do whatever needs to be done right now not in ten minutes, not tomorrow, but right now”. I will also ignore my fear of failure.  I can’t remove it, it’s there and it will keep being there but I will give zero fucks to what it has to tell me. If I faile, well then I’m one experience richer. If someone thinks what I do is dumb or that I’m not doing a good job, then that their issue, not mine.

Those are my new year’s resolutions in regards to my career. I have a lot more regarding my mental health, relationships etc. but I was thinking of doing a Youtube video where I talk more about that. Speaking of YouTube, that’s one of the things I kept procrastinating in 2018. Luckily 2019 doesn’t allow me to postpone my dreams so you can expect my first YouTube video soon.

I hope you have had a good start to the new year and If you’ve been feeling fragile and confused like me, try to see it as something positive. Like a purge of old habits, memories and behaviours that are being released to you can let them go and become yourself 2.0 without any of that old junk weighing you down.

Lots of love,

Lisa Belinda


My weekend

This weekend I spent in Sweden with my love. Poor guy barely got to set foot on Swedish grounds before I dragged him to a nice setting and made him take a million pictures of me for Instagram. How did I get so lucky? He is so sweet and patient and also a great photographer (except when he zooms into my face and takes pictures in the worst of angles just to mess with me)…

We had a really chill weekend. We went for coffee in the city, drove to the mall and cooked the yummiest falafel for dinner. Saturday evening we spent in bed playing Super Mario Odyssey on the Nintendo Switch. I love having a tech nerdy boyfriend who buys the coolest shit that I get to use without having to admit I also get excited about it.

As if the weekend wasn’t cozy enough, my love spoiled me with a beautiful bracelet from Edblad I innocently drooled over at Royal Design. This was truly a blessed weekend but before you barf in your mouths over my Instahappy life, let me remind you I’ve lived with crippling anxiety for the past years (a lot less now though, thanks to CBD-Oil). My life has been and is still chaotic beyond words. Most weekends I’m too drained from my job to even leave the house (yeah, I hustle like the most basic of bitches, this blog doesn’t pay enough to sustain me yet).  I deserve an Instaperfect weekend every now and thnt. I’m not gonna shit coat it to not sound like an obnoxious blogger who rubs her happy life in the faces of others.

Hope you had a cozy weekend as well, whether you spent it being the cheesiest couple in town or alone in bed eating your weight in Oreos. We don’t judge here.

Silk dress, HM  // Over-knee boots, Aldo // Cross-body bag, Zara // Oversized sweater Vintage (aka. found it when I went treasure hunting in my grandmas closet).

I love my sparkly new bracelet! It goes so well with my favorite watch. My boyfriend calls me a crow… Not sure what he means by that…

Bracelet, Edblad // Watch, Skagen


Lots of love,

Lisa Belinda


CBD-Oil for anxiety: Update

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about CBD-Oil. I had heard so many people talk about the benefits of it and particularly how it could help those who are struggling with anxiety. You can read my post HERE. I ordered a few products from Hemply Balance and I have been trying out their 7,5% water-soluble CBD-Oil for a month now (Get it HERE). I’ve been itching to write this post but I wanted to really try it out for a few weeks before giving you my opinion. To start with, my expectations weren’t super high because I have tried many natural methods that supposed to help with anxiety, before and nothing have really made any significant difference. I saw this as an interesting experiment and I dove into it with an open mind and inevitably a lot of hope.

I followed the instructions on the bottle and started with 1 single drop morning and evening for a whole week. That might seem like nothing but I had heard about people starting taking CBD-Oil and gotten increased anxiety and after doing my research I found out that is most likely to happen if you are taking too much CBD-Oil or if you’re starting off with a too high dose or increasing it too fast. So I was determined to follow the instructions and start with a very small dose and slowly increase it after one week. Truth is, I actually felt a difference already the first days. I didn’t feel strange in any way but I felt calm and peaceful which to me has been a very rare feeling. I felt more confident in myself and more capable of taking care of myself. I don’t know if this was a placebo effect, if it was due to other factors or if it was because of the CBD- Oil but I truly felt better quite immediately.

After one week I’ve increased the dose with one drop every 4th day or so. I’m sure you could increase the dose faster than I have but I’d rather be safe than sorry and since I felt better already after one drop, I didn’t feel the need to rush it. Now I’m taking 6 drops morning and evening and according to the instructions I can take up to 13 drops morning and evening but I don’t feel the need to increase that much at the moment.
During this whole time, I have felt overall better. My thoughts are clearer and I can think more rational than before. I still feel anxiety for time to time and I have had some days when I’ve actually been feeling really fragile and anxious, not as many as before but there have been some. The difference is I’ve been able to think much more clearly and not let the anxiety completely take over and that is truly an improvement.

Since I’ve been taking it for a month I have also been able to see which effect it has on PMS. For me, PMS has not only meant irritable and moody. It’s also meant significantly increased anxiety. In fact, I think 80% of my worse anxiety is caused by these demon hormones. Normally I start feeling the anxiousness come creeping two weeks before my period and slowly but surely increase day by day until it absolutely peeks the days before period and it feels like I will have to stay in bed and shake with anxiety for the rest of my life because I don’t know how to function as a human being.

With the CBD-Oil though, I handled PMS pretty damn well. I could clearly tell I was PMS: ing because I started getting moody and irritable, however, it started about one week before period instead of two weeks before like it normally does. But most importantly, I didn’t feel any increased anxiety at this point. Not until two or three days before period I started feeling more fragile and I had one day when I felt really anxious but one day is a whole fucking lot better than two weeks. Although I was still experiencing PMS it was much more bearable because I still felt like a functioning human being and could think clearly. I could stand in line at the grocery store and be annoyed out of my fucking mind at seniors who decided they should go grocery shopping on a Friday afternoon with the rest of the country when they could have gone any other day or time when the rest of us are at work. But I could laugh at the irony instead of letting the frustration take over my sanity. And most importantly I didn’t feel so anxious that I had to just leave my stuff and get out of there.

If you’re a highly sensitive person like me, chances are you will most likely always be more prone to anxiety but that doesn’t mean anyone should have to deal with anxiety on a daily basis and definitely not to the degree that it becomes debilitating. I would definitely recommend CBD-Oil for those struggling with anxiety. It’s quite pricey but it’s worth it. I also want to stretch that there is no, and will never be any “one cure fix all” when it comes to mental health issues. It’s a combination of things that you incorporate into your lifestyle. During this time when I have taken the CBD-Oil, I have also gone to therapy once a week, I have eaten healthy, I have exercised and I have tried to meditate every day (I obviously failed to do it every day but I have done it a lot more than before).
However, I know how impossible all those things feel when you are in a bad place mentally and I truly feel that the CBD Oil has helped a lot to make me feel good enough so I could get the strength to do all those things that will make me feel even better. Truth is before I started using the CBD-Oil, I had such a hard time meditating or doing yoga because it made me feel even more anxious. Trying to breathe deeply and feeling the sensations in the body was too scary and overwhelming and could even result in a panic attack. Since using the CBD-Oil my nervous system have felt much more balanced and I’ve been able to meditate and do yoga and actually benefit from it instead of feeling worse from it. It’s like a domino effect. If you’re stuck down there in that dark mental hole, the CBD- Oil is like the rope that can help you climb out of there. Once you get up you can’t rely on CBD-Oil to fix all your problems but it can be one of the contributing factors to your mental wellbeing and it can help you feel strong enough to actually get out and exercise, peaceful enough to sit down and meditate, motivated enough to eat foods that will nurture you instead of the opposite and most importantly help your thoughts stay clear enough so that when anxiety does strike, you can handle it instead of getting overwhelmed.

This is my personal experience and opinions with the CBD-Oil and I can’t say it will work for everyone but if you’re struggling with anxiety I highly advise you to give it a try. Be sure to get a CBD-Oil that is guaranteed 100% free from THC and start with a small dose and slowly increase after a week. You can order safe, high-quality CBD-Products from Hemply Balance (HERE). I recommend the 7,5 % water-soluble oil (HERE) because you can mix it with some juice so it doesn’t taste bad. If you mix it with water it tastes like I’d imagine pine-tree would taste so it’s not horrible but juice conceals the bitter taste completely.

Are you using CBD-Oil? Or are you curious to try it? Tell me about your experience in the comments!

Lots of love,

Lisa Belinda

***Post contains affiliate links***


CBD-Oil to treat anxiety?

Have you heard about CBD-Oil? Do you think it’s something potheads take to get high or did you know it could be used for entirely different purposes? I decided to try it out on my mission to beat anxiety, keep reading to find out more.

A few weeks ago I was prescribed antidepressants for my anxiety. I had experienced a horrible panic attack and I felt like I could no longer take the internal pain and stress I was suffering from. I have never been suicidal and I can’t say I was at this point either but I felt so scared of my own mind that I literally thought couldn’t take it anymore. It was a horrifying feeling. I contacted my doctors’ clinic, begging for an emergency appointment. The next day I was sitting in my doctor’s office, telling her about my exhausted mind and we agreed that I would start a treatment of cognitive behavior therapy in combination with antidepressants. The doctor actually suggested I started therapy first, before getting on the medications but I was so desperate for something to ease my mind that I insisted on starting medication right away. I still had to hold my horses though, because they first needed to do some tests to make sure everything was physically fine with me. After a few days, she called me, saying all my tests showed everything was fine and she had prescribed me the pills. First thing I did after picking them up, was opening gigantic bible of possible side effects. Partly because I’m a tad hypochondriac but possibly also because I subconsciously wanted a reason not to take them. I knew there were side effects to antidepressants but I had no idea how many and how severe they could be. The irony of getting a pill prescribed for anxiety, reading about the side effect of those pills, only to get even more anxiety just made every cell in my body scream at me not to take them. It was like a loud, red siren inside me went off, signaling not to put that into my body.

The past 6 months I’ve carried a relaxant pill with me everywhere I go, in case of emergency. They’re really strong and actually classified as narcotics, which comes with a risk of addiction. Therefore I should only take them when I absolutely need to, but lately, I have felt like I had to take one a bit too often and that’s obviously not good at all. Aside from the fact that it’s so clearly not good to be popping narcotics every other day, those pills don’t do a shit to help with my anxiety long term. they’re concealing the scary feelings and making me relaxed at the moment but 12 hours later when they wear off my mind is back in chaos.

I’m a very hippie person and I have a core belief that many things can and should be treated holistically. I know that we can never actually heal our wounds only by concealing them. We need to treat the root cause of the problem in order to get rid of the symptoms. I’m sure that therapy will help a lot with that but since my mind has become rather damaged by these rigid patterns of anxiety, I need something to help me ease my thoughts so that my brain can create new neural pathways without getting tossed back into the anxious pathways. This was why I felt like I had to take antidepressants. I knew that I needed to stop only putting out fires and get a long-term solution to help my brain heal itself and I thought maybe antidepressants is the only solution.

As I was contemplating whether to go against my intuition and take the damn pills or not, I came across James Aspeys Instagram story, where he talked about the amazing benefits of CBD-oil and how effective it can be to treat anxiety and depression. I had heard about CBD-oil easing the symptoms of Parkinson’s and epilepsy before but I had no idea it could have any effect on anxiety and panic attacks so I hadn’t researched it at all. I turned to my dear old frienemie Google to see what others had to say about CBD-oils effects on anxiety and I found many praising reviews from people who’s had amazing results from it. I did get a bit cautious though because I had no interest in getting high and I thought all CBD-oils contain at least some THC (Tetrahydrocannabinol: The main psychoactive substance in Cannabis, which makes you high). After further research, I found out that there are also CBD-oils which have had the THC removed, although it seemed to be common that many of them could still contain traces and it felt too sketchy to order on Amazon and not be sure what I would actually get.  Lastly, I came across a Swedish brand called Hemply Balance which sells CBD products created from high-quality produce and that are guaranteed 100% free from THC (meaning it’s completely legal and doesn’t get you high).

I decided that before I even consider putting anti-depressants in my body, I will try every natural method on the planet, so I decided to try out CBD-oil for myself and see how it works for me. I got their best selling product, which is a water-soluble CBD-oil with 7,5 % CBD (Here). I also got the capsules with 7,5mg CBD (Here)  and a skin salve (Here) Mostly because I got curious to see what CBD could also do for the skin.

I wanna add that this is not a sponsored post, I simply want to try these products and felt like Simply Balance seemed to be a trustworthy and safe company to buy from because they’re very transparent on their website and very helpful and easy to reach when you have any questions. I will give my 100% honest opinion about these products and see if they are able to help me feel happier and calmer.

The product I will start using for my anxiety is the oil and I will keep you updated here on the blog and on my Instagram and share my experience so stay tuned!

The water-soluble CBD-Oil is supposed to be easily absorbed by the body and you can mix it with whatever liquid you like so It doesn’t taste like licking an ashtray like many of the CBD-Oils you drop under your tongue does. (Also, somebody get this girl a manicure, geeez…)

I’m not sure what CBD is supposed to do for the skin, but I’m curious to try. Maybe it can save those dry cuticles you just had the pleasure of witnessing. It also contains a bunch of natural oils and butters that I know are beneficial for the skin.

Lots of love,

Lisa Belinda


Autumn love

There is something about fall and particularly this pre-fall we just entered, that makes me feel so happy and inspired. The summer humidity is replaced by a fresh, cooler air and it makes me feel high on life. To me, this time of year is way more like a “New Year” than the actual New Year. I wanna star up new projects, make changes and explore new places.

There is also a certain melancholy about this time of year. It’s both beautiful and sad at the same time. It’s so clear that something is ending and it brings a certain sadness but at the same time, I am so ready for the new season to begin. My whole body is craving some change. Now, as we are slowly approaching September I can feel my motivation peaking and my thoughts becoming clearer.

Welcome autumn!


Want more inspiration? Be sure to follow me on Pinterest and Instagram.

Lots of love,

Lisa Belinda


“There are those who are humble and those who are about to be” -Debra Silverman

When I first started this blog, about two years ago. I was living a very holistic life and I was writing mostly about beauty and wellness. During this time I was using almost only natural and organic products and constantly educating myself on the different benefits of natural skincare ingredients vs. the dangers of many conventional skincare ingredients. I was always reading books and articles and watching youtube videos, learning about health, nutrition, and wellness. It was not only a huge passion of mine but also my baby blanket, that helped me cope with stress and anxiety. I have understood long ago that our mind and body are not two completely separated things. They are connected and you can’t have a healthy mind with an unhealthy body and vice versa.

I slipped out of the holistic mindset for a while as my life got turned upside down about a year ago. At this point, I also shut down the blog temporarily and went under the radar from the life I had had. This was when Bogdan and I had just split up and I spent the following 8 months living a very destructive and toxic lifestyle. I was partying a lot, drinking a lot, being horribly irresponsible and basically doing anything and everything I could to drown my sorrows. I was constantly trying to distract myself and to not feel because I knew that if I stopped to think or slowed down my speed, even for a second or allowed my self to feel the pain I was carrying, it would have killed me.

This made me very distant to the person that I actually was and that I am. The girl I was before the breakup was slipping further and further away until I could barely see her anymore. During this time “wellness” was the last thing I cared about. I started using beauty products that I knew was toxic, I didn’t think twice about whether something was cruelty-free or not, I didn’t eat enough,  I drank way too much alcohol, way too often and I even smoked every once in a while. I had always hated cigarette-smoke and I still thought it tasted horrible. It made me cough and I knew it was bad for me but I did it anyway. I  fact that was the only reason I did it. I was chasing dangers. The rush I used to get from love was replaced by the rush I got from adrenaline. I didn’t care about anything anymore.

At the end of this period, inevitably life caught up with me. I remember having meltdowns and panic attacks that would last for days because I was no longer able to distract myself. My body got tired of living life the way I had and as soon as I slowed down my pace, even a little bit, my emotions came back and hit me in the face, full force. As though that wasn’t enough I also became aware of what a horrible person I had turned into during this time. I suddenly became aware of how much I had hurt the people who loved me. But maybe the most devastating realization was how much I had hurt myself. This still haunts me and I can look at pictures of myself as a child thinking “how could you do this to her?”

When I left Copenhagen I was far from “recovered”. My robot facade had peeled off a bit but instead of having an instant wakeup call and snap back to reality, I was living in a weird gray zone. This is where I became horribly unhappy. My baggage had caught up with me but I had no idea how to deal with it. I withdrew from my friends and I was feeling so lonely. Whevener anyone reached out to me I pushed them away. My mind was yet not clear and I was only feeling angry with my surroundings. I felt angry with the city for ruining me. I felt angry with my friends and the people around me for dragging me into that toxicity. Truth is, I was only running away. I have always loved Copenhagen and that city has taken care of me when I’ve been alone. That city carries some of my most beautiful memories. That city is where I met the love of my life for the first time. I’m done blaming other people or places for my own mistakes. In the end, I make my own decisions regardless of the people around me or the places I’m in.

During this whole time, the one person that I could still always rely on was Bogdan. Even though we had broken up, he was still there for me. He was the one I called when I wanted to escape this manic life that I had. He was still the only one I could be myself with 100%. He was the only one that could make me forget all the pain for a brief moment. He was the only one that could still make me laugh until my stomach hurt. He was the only one I could spend Sundays in bed with, watching Netflix all day without feeling any pressure of being someone I actually wasn’t. He was the one that dropped everything and came across the whole city to pick me up and bring me home when I was having a panic meltdown. And in the end, he was the one who still loved me no matter the amount of pain I had caused him. I was damaged cargo. I was an abandoned little bird with broken wings and legs that could barely carry me. He took me in and pieced me back together bit by bit. He was just as hurt as I was, if not more, and I was the one who had caused him pain. Yet he was the one taking care of me as though I was the victim. I am so grateful our love was able to survive this period. Despite all the damage that’s been made, we stand strong together once again and I thank the universe for him every day.

With this post, I wish to close the door to this painful time of my life. I will do all I can to not beat myself up over the past because I know it won’t change anything. What I can do, is to live in the “now” because that is really all we have.  What I can do, is to make sure I’m being authentic and honest with myself. What I can do, is to make sure I’m always humble and kind.  What I can do, is to make sure I never push my feelings away no matter how painful they are to feel. Because if there is one thing I’ve learned it’s that those feelings will catch up with you sooner or later.

As for this blog, I will still keep posting honest stories and share my struggles and learnings. I will also incorporate way more health and wellness posts. Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, the connection between mental, and physical wellness is unavoidable. On my way to recovery and finding my way back to my old happy self, all aspects of health have been crucial.  With meditation, exercise, and the right nutrition I can finally say I’m feeling like myself again. I still struggle with my mind because that has been an ongoing battle since long ago but I have found my way back to me. The girl that I thought was lost, has come back, and the baggage she now carries may be heavy and uncomfortable but it has brought wisdom and made her more humble than ever.


Lots of love,

Lisa Belinda


Quiet your inner critic

My inner critic: “You’re not strong enough. Your vulnerability and your anxiety make you weak. You’re not successful enough. You’re almost 24, you should have come way further than this by now. All the mistakes you’ve made has ruined you and now you’re damaged forever. Oh, and you really should go to the gym more often. You’ll never be happy unless you get rid of that cellulite and that little pizza baby. It’s a fucking miracle how anyone can love you, you don’t deserve it”.

My inner best friend: “Sweetie, don’t listen to that bitch. Your vulnerability is what makes you special. Your struggle is actually your strength, it’s what makes you compassionate and understanding towards others. Success should not be measured in money on the bank or materialistic things and even if it did, you are just as successful as you need to be right now. You have come such a long way, you have accomplished amazing things already. All your mistakes have taught you so much and shaped you into the amazing human that you are now. Oh, and about going to the gym… You should only ever work out to feel good mentally and physically, never by the demand of that dumb criticising bitch telling you to lose weight. You’re beautiful just as you are”.

I got the inspiration for this post after I had listened to the latest episode, “The inner critic”, of Yogagirls podcast. I highly recommend everyone to give it a listen because it addresses something we are all struggling with.  We all have an inner critic, telling us that we aren’t good enough, for whatever reason. It’s very hard to get rid of this horrible criticising voice but the only way to do so is to let your inner best friend speak louder. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend. Compliment yourself the way you would compliment your best friend. Empower yourself the way you would empower your best friend.

Lots of love,

Lisa Belinda


“You have freedom when you’re easy in your harness” -Robert Frost

One of my biggest struggles in life and the most profound reason for my anxiety is my immense need for freedom. A need for freedom isn’t actually negative but it inevitably comes with a fear of the opposite. A fear of not feeling free. I can’t cope with feeling caged or cornered, both literally and by other peoples opinions and expectations of me. To start with, I am extremely claustrophobic and never ever take an elevator alone. Even taking an elevator with someone I feel safe with is hard and I rarely do so without hyperventilating all the way. I believe the concrete fear of being caged, such as being in a small space and the more abstract fear of being caged, such as feeling pressured and stressed by responsibility and others expectations, are extremely intricately connected.

If I was an animal I would without a doubt want to be a bird so that I could fly anywhere I wanted. I’ve always felt most at home next to the sea or in the countryside with open fields around me. If I spend too much time in a crowded city without even a coastline, I start feeling slightly panicky after a few days. There is just something within me that needs to feel ensured that I’m free and nothing or nobody will deprive me of my freedom or my open spaces. Where this slightly compulsive need for freedom comes from, I don’t really know. I probably need several hours of therapy to find out and that’s something I would actually want to do at one point. But for now I just wanted to share my experience and what this behavior and these feelings have taught me.

I’ve had so many moments in my life where I’ve just escaped. I’ve gotten this feeling of being stuck, like there is so much on my shoulders and there are people depending on me. When I say people depending on me I don’t mean emotionally because that has never been an issue for me, I mean they’re depending on me in the way that they want or need something from me. During these moments I’ve become so stressed out and so unhappy and it’s created an urge to just quit and run away, cut the chains that I feel are holding me captive and just escape. This is obviously not a sustainable way of living and it’s created a lot of problems for me. I’ve come to realize that running away is sometimes more damaging than staying. Because it initially means that you are looking elsewhere for something that you already have within you. Because although peace and freedom are easier to feel when you’re on a white sand beach on a tropical island, overlooking the turquoise ocean, its actually found within (I’m a little hippie, just bear with me plz).

A quote that has really stuck with me is “you have freedom when you’re easy in your harness”. Being alive, being put on this earth kind of comes with a harness whether we like it or not. It’s simply not possible to live a happy life without any commitments or without having people depending on you. I’ve had moments in my life where I’ve been unemployed with literally no commitments and that sure as hell didn’t make me happier. The opposite actually. Humans are wired to feel needed and important in order to be happy and if you completely take that away, you’re left feeling really empty and alone. What’s important is to find a balance. It’s also cultural that you get to escape for a bit sometimes and just breathe, without anyone pulling your strings. But the goal should be to have a balance of freedom and commitment and most importantly not allow commitment to take away your freedom. I believe it’s a state of mind to feel free even if you have people depending on you and appreciate how important you are instead of letting your mind get stuck in a downward spiral of self-pity. When you find this state of mind, you are flowing through life with ease and you barely notice your harness, but when you constantly resist it and fight to get loose, that’s when you feel the tension. That’s when anxiety creeps up and you feel your harness tighten around your chest.

I’m no guru speaking here, I obviously struggle more than anyone with this but I will really work on finding a balance in my life. I will do my best to teach my brain to not victimize myself but instead see the beauty of having responsibility. I like to imagine my harness made of very thin silk threads. I can still go wherever I want, I can still do whatever I want. The harness is not actually holding me back. It’s just a reminder of how important I am and that I do have a responsibility in this world whatever it may be. The harness is, in fact, pushing me forward.


Lisa Belinda