Fresh eyes

    

Every time around this time of year, for the past years I find myself in a really low state of mind. Call it depression if you will. I feel like I’m living with a constant weight on my shoulders and a constant burden in my chest. Like I’m walking through every day in the harshest headwind. Poetic metaphors aside, it literally feels as though my body is shutting down. Like it forgets how to function properly both mentally and physically.

What’s even worse than this heavy feeling though is the guilt I put on myself for feeling like this. I compare myself to everyone else, thinking “they seem to get through the days with ease, why can’t I?” “Why am I so weak? So sensitive?”

I put the blame on myself thinking there must be something I’m doing wrong. Something they all figured out that I simply didn’t yet. I try to desperately cure myself. Maybe I need to do some mindfulness work to soothe my mind. So I do yoga every day and practice meditating. But I still feel like shit.
Maybe I’m deficient in some vitamins? So I stuff my morning smoothie with nasty green veggies, ew. And I still feel like shit.
Maybe I’m not working out enough to get those endorphins everyone is talking about. So I try to go for runs but end up feeling even worse about myself because I wasn’t able to run nearly as far as I wanted without stopping. How do you even run when you have absolutely no energy in your body? Oh, and guess what? I still feel like shit.

I’m someone who always wants to fix things and the frustration I feel when I’m not able to fix something is almost unbearable.

I apologize for all the negativity above. I’m actually someone who prefers to look at the sunny side of things and I always strive to have a positive mind and attitude. But I’ve come to realize that sometimes when you are feeling really low or angry or whatever negative emotions you may carry It’s better to just tell it for what it is. Let all that ugly shit out and release it. The important thing is to let it go after you’ve released it, not keep nagging about it over and over again because that’s just toxic. Feel, release, let go and move on.

So now I’ve felt the feelings, I’ve released them and it’s time to let them go and try to find a learning or even a solution so I can move on with a light heart.

One thing I do know and that has become even more clear to me as I’m writing this post is that a lot (if not all) of my issues are psychological. And while exercise, meditation, and diet will, of course, have an impact on your wellbeing, your thoughts are just as important. When I’m feeling bad, I tend to shut people out and wanting to be by myself. Alone time is necessary for a healthy mind but too much of it is so harmful. What I really need is to surround myself with people I love and soak up all those good vibes it brings me. It’s all about balance, just like everything else in life. It sounds easy when you say or type it. Like all our issues would be solved if we found balance. Maybe they would. But balance is so hard to achieve and it’s something you need to work on every day. It’s always been a struggle for me and I’m a person who is depending on balance more than most people. I am a Libra after all (keep your astrology hating prejudices out of here guys…)

Somedays I feel like the only thing I can do is to wait for spring to arrive. That is absolute torture though as I am the most impatient being on this planet. Instead, I need to really try to enjoy the moment I’m in now. Even if it’s cold or I’m feeling weak or whatever it may be, I need to find things that I do enjoy at this moment, instead of waiting for the world around me to change. Of course, I should look forward to spring and summer but I should not lose myself completely in the longing for something I don’t yet have. Because although my mental well-being is affected by my surroundings they’re not the cause of it. The problems are inside my mind and they’re not gonna be fixed just because summer arrives. I need spring in my body, not in my garden. I need my mind and thoughts to be easy breezy beautiful (CoverGirl). As the title of this post implies, I need to start looking at the world with FRESH EYES.

xx

Lisa Belinda

 

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You should go and love yourself

I’ve been struggling with my ability to trust in myself for a long time and lately it’s really been put to the test. I am however a firm believer that everything that challenges us, is also helping us grow.

The relationship we have with ourselves is, after all, the most important one we’ll ever have and while I don’t think a life without love for other people is a life worth living, I do know that in order to have any successful relations with anyone else you must first love yourself. There is simply no way around it. It’s hard but it’s absolutely possible. All you need is practice, practice and some more practice.

In hard times I turn to Pinterest for some inspiration and confidence boosts and I’ve put together a collage of my favorite quotes and mantras. Most of them are simple and can seem so obvious but we need a reminder every once in a while.

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Sitting with pain

A few weeks ago, I was listening to an episode of yoga girls podcast where she and her mom talked about pain. They mentioned something that stuck with me, probably because it resonated with me so much. They talked about the ability to sit with pain and the importance of being able to sit with pain.

I’ve been completely unable to do this. The thought of sitting with the pain I feel, feeling those feelings fully and not distract myself with anything seems absolutely impossible to me. I will either try to fix everything right away or I will distract myself so much that the distraction itself becomes destructive. Trying to fix the cause of the pain might sound like a good thing, and at some point it is. I am at the center a positive soul and a fighter. I will never ever give up on what matters to me and that is a beautiful trait that I will never excuse.

However, using “fixing” as a band-aid, instead of feeling what hurts is not healthy. You have to feel it in order to heal. Otherwise, you don’t get the realisations you need to learn from it.

This is something I’ve learned from my best friend, long before I listened to yoga girl talking about it. He has been able to sit with pain and he claimed it to be necessary in order to heal and feel better. That sounded insane to me at first but now I get it. The things I’ve learned from that boy are many. He doesn’t realize it of course and neither do I at first. But when I am forced to just stop and think, it hits me and I can’t help but think how grateful I am for having someone like him in my life. Someone who not only loves me but challenge my otherwise so monotonous brain.

I’m in the middle of pain as I write this but the reasons are not relevant to this post. I spent all morning trying to “fix everything”, desperately doing anything to ease that pain that scares me so much. Then I realized the only way for me to fix anything is to feel what hurts and learn from it. It is not easy. It is pretty fucking terrifying. But it is absolutely necessary.

All pain that we feel is transforming and healing, even if it doesn’t feel like that when you’re in the middle of it. My constant escape from pain and obsessive need to find the cure to everything has deprived me of the lessons the pain could have taught me.

I always used to have this fantasy of the perfect life and especially the perfect relationship. I felt like if something bad happened or if I went through a struggle it was ruined forever. Like nothing was allowed to crack that perfect facade or it would be poisoned and beyond saving. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The cracks are what shapes us, as individuals and as a couple. The cracks are what makes it REAL. As Ernest Hemmingway so nicely put it: “We are all broken. That’s how the light gets in.” A perfect facade with no cracks is not real at all.

What’s important in this, however, is to learn from every little crack in that facade of the perfect house we built. They teach us about ourselves and each other and you need to see them for what they are in order to fix them. When you learn from the cracks you’re able to fill them in with what’s needed and you have the knowledge you need to prevent further breakage. Because we all strive for a perfect facade and we all do what we can to keep it smooth. The lesson is not to stop striving for a strong house but to accept that all houses have flaws and that is what makes it beautiful and unique.

As you read this post you may wonder what kind of mushroom I had for breakfast. Or you might resonate with these thoughts. Writing it down is helpful to me in this practice of sitting with pain and learning from my mistakes. Note, LEARNING from my mistakes, never punish myself for it. We are all just human and we all want well but the ability to learn from the pain and the mistakes you might have made is crucial for making it better.

Lots of love <3

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Roadtrippin’

Hello dear friends!

Last weekend I went to Sweden with Bogdan. We stayed in my moms apartment in Helsingborg and on Saturday we took the car and went on a roadtrip along the coast. We drove to Höganäs and stopped along the way in Domsten and Viken. The sights were beautiful and I couldn’t help thinking about how badly I wanna live in a mansion by the sea. So badly I almost kissed the ass of the car in front of us… I really don’t know how I ever got a license.

 

If this is my last post it’s because my mom killed me after seeing I borrowed her shirt after swearing I wouldn’t touch her clothes…

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Interior dreams

Hello dear friends!

Spring is getting closer and it’s making me long for some change. My home has always been very important to me. For some, it might sound shallow but it’s actually the opposite. My home is my sanctuary, my safe space where I can relax and recharge my batteries. I love interior and making my home look pretty and homey. It’s like therapy for me. When I don’t feel satisfied with my home-situation I feel out of balance and as the libra that I am, I don’t deal well with my everyday life when I’m out of balance.

These past months I’ve been living with Bogdan in a very small room. We literally do the dishes in the bathroom sink because we have no kitchen. It’s been cozy and YOLO and all but there is only that much of it a person can take. Especially for the anxious, slightly spoiled princess that I am.

Between searching for apartments and contacting landlords I’ve drifted away onto interior websites and of course my dear old friend Pinterest. Even though I don’t know how our new home will look like I still find it ridiculously satisfying to plan the interior into the tiniest detail.

xx

Lisa Belinda

          
                         
                      

(Pictures from Pinterest)

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Inspiration station

Hello dear friends!

I always like to enter a new year with a positive attitude and a mindset that anything really is possible. But to be honest, I’m no green smoothie-drinking superhuman and I actually started the new year with the worst mood and a horrible attitude. I have so many goals and dreams for this new year and I was overwhelmed by everything I wanted to achieve. I have always had my eyes on the stars so to speak, but I tend to have absolutely no patience, which results in frustration over not reaching my goals fast enough. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one on this planet with this problem. I know I can achieve everything I set my mind to and I have faith in myself but I want everything to happen right this second, preferably sooner.

My motto for this year will be to work my ass off with the things I’m passionate about, but have patience and let things take time.

My little new year meltdown aside, I am so very excited about this year we have ahead of us. I’ve decided to be brave this year, to step out of my comfort-zone and challenge myself. I know it will be scary at times but there is no greater feeling than the one that comes after overcoming obstacles and doing things you didn’t dare to do before.

I’ve Pinterested my eyeballs out since this year started (more than usual if that’s even possible) and I feel really motivated to go chase my dreams. I’ve put together an inspiring collage that will surely give you a little motivation, whether you’re feeling happy and ready to take on the new year or you’re fighting the winter-blues one day at a time.

xx

Lisa Belinda

                                         

(Pictures from Pinterest)

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